A running commentary on things that I don't like.

Also, you know, about why I'm a lot cooler than you.

Seriously. Much cooler. And smarter.

Which is why you should read my site.

That way when I tell you that Napoleon Dynamite was stupid crap, you won't make a fool of yourself by continuing to tell people to watch it.

God, it Sucks
the place to go for all things that suck
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.:[Monday, April 26, 2004]:.
I LIKED IT THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT... WHEN IT WAS CALLED "THE PROFESSIONAL"

Well, little brother didn't like "Man on Fire," but I went and saw it anyway. After all, kids his age are too busy grab-assing, swapping spit and taking pictures of each other's butts with their camera phones at the movies to pay much attention to the screen. But, he was right. Sort of.

Denzel Washington plays your typical, nebulous, only-occurs-in-the-movies world-traveling soldier of fortune type. He's hired as Dakota Fanning's bodyguard in corrupt Mexico City, but, suprise suprise, he's not only world weary, but an alcoholic to boot. He doesn't have a lot of range, but, hey, he's Denzel Washington. It's hard not to like him.

Dakota Fanning, as Pita, was generally a very likeable and charming character. While Little Brother's point in the comments is well-taken (that she was just a little too mature), seeing Fanning interviewed in other places makes me think that precocious children that age may not be common, but are not unheard of. That said, I think that Fanning was one of the strong points of the movie... which is unfortunate because she's kidnapped halfway through and so is necessarily absent for most of the film.

In terms of supporting roles, Marc Anthony and Radha Mitchell are serviceable as Pita's parents, though Anthony is really a small guy and doesn't have much screen presence. Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke... well, are Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke.

One of the movie's fundamental problems was the heavy-handed religious iconography which didn't seem to be serving any real purpose. For instance, Pita gives Creasy (Washington's character... ridiculous name) a St. Jude pendant, who we are told is the patron saint of lost causes. Well, duh, I saw "The Untouchables," too, dude. And, yeah, yeah... Creasy is a world-weary alcoholic, a lost cause. I get it. And Creasy is pictured throughout reading his Bible, discussing verses with nuns, etc. But there also seems to be a substantial disconnect in presenting Creasy as a basically religious man while simultaneously going over every gruesome act of his revenge in loving detail. I can't be the only person who sees this movie and finds it difficult to understand Creasy's religious convictions when he expresses them by, say, sticking a bomb up a man's ass.

On top of the unnecessary (or at least unjustified) religious references, the visual scheme of the movie is chaotic, to say the least. When the camera's not zooming in and out all over the place, we get that same choppy strobe-effect editing we all loved from "Seven." Subtitles (sometimes of English dialogue, who knows why) fade in and out all over the damn screen, basically anywhere but along the bottom where they're supposed to be. The whole effect ending up being distracting and reminiscent of a Coke commercial or a music video. I might have enjoyed the movie more if I wasn't constantly squinting to see what was going on underneath the thick coating of self-indulgent directorial jizz that Tony Scott felt the need to spray all over the screen.

Unaccountably, the epilogue dedicates the film to Mexico City... "a very special place." What the fuck is that all about? Didn't I just sit through 2 1/2 hours of plot explaining what a horribly dangerous, violent and corrupt place Mexico City is? Or maybe he just meant "special" as in "fucked up."

| a BEN production by me at 7:09 PM

.:[Friday, April 23, 2004]:.
WHAT THE FUCK?

Wow. I mean, wow. What a colossal group of assholes.

Thanks to Nathan Hamm for depressing the hell out of me.

| a BEN production by me at 8:38 PM


So I was watching "Blue Crush" last night... no wait, let me start again. I was attempting to watch it. But it's awful. I was willing to give it a chance, seeing as how it had girls in bikinis in it, but ultimately, a movie about a female surfer trying to deal with a rebellious younger sister, losing her job, sharing a few "Grrrl Power!" moments with her roommates, and falling in love with a pro football player is about as interesting (but less relevant) as watching a tape of President Reagan's colonoscopy with commentary by Carrot Top.

Don't get me wrong... maybe there is a market for movies about female empowerment and gutsy girls pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and gutsing it out... TO THE EXTREME!! But apparently there's also a market for porn featuring people urinating on each other or crapping on each other, or, hell, even sexualizing anthropomorphic animals, so I think it's safe to say that sometimes crap is just crap, even if there is a market for it.

Which got me thinking about yet another Plucker incident. No, no... not in reference to golden showers porn or anything like that, that's a post for another day. But he had a friend who moved out to California to work on movies (I don't know how successful he is or was, but he introduced me to this girl as his girlfriend at a party in Austin once, so he was at least to the level of dating extras from crappy movies), and the guy would occasionally stay with us when he was visiting in Austin.

Anyway, once he told me I was an idiot because I failed to grasp the genius of "Point Break." Now I may be an idiot, but I don't think that is the reason. As a matter of fact, recognizing that "Point Break" is irredemable shit is probably evidence to the contrary. Now, you may tell me, as he did, that Kathryn Bigelow is a protege of James Cameron, but I would point out that Kathryn Bigelow is actually Cameron's ex-wife, and I find it hard to admire directorial skills when they're applied to something as stupid as a movie about surfing bank robbers. Bigelow has done some great work, but, frankly, "Point Break" is as fun as an acid enema and more painful, to boot.

Patrick Swayze, Gary Busey, and Keanu Reeves come together to form, collectively, a black hole of acting talent which devours everything of value in its path. Not that there's a whole lot of value in the movie to begin with, seeing as how the movie's tagline is "100% Pure Adrenaline," the bad guys consist of a group of surfers robbing banks to finance "the endless summer," and the aforementioned surfers must attempt to overcome the investigatory acumen of (drumroll, please) Keanu Reeves, who looks about as capable of solving a string of robberies as Clyde, the orangutan from "Any Which Way You Can". And all of this crap is interspersed with action shots of the characters surfing (TO THE EXTREME) and jumping out of airplanes (TO THE EXTREME) and playing football on the beach (TO THE EXTREME). Seeing this movie is like watching ESPN 2 while a monkey alternately masturbates and flings excrement at you.

It's movies like "Blue Crush" and "Point Break" (and the fact that someone who moved to LA to work in the movies thinks "Point Break" displays some sort of genius) which make me despair of ever seeing a decent movie ever again. Maybe Hollywood will get struck by a comet.

| a BEN production by me at 1:28 PM


When cyber-sex goes wrong.

| a BEN production by me at 9:46 AM

.:[Thursday, April 22, 2004]:.
IN BID TO INCREASE BLACK APPLICANTS, POLICE CAFETERIA PLANS TO ADD WATERMELON AND FRIED CHICKEN

Those open-minded Floridians, we could all learn something from them.

| a BEN production by me at 5:00 PM

.:[Tuesday, April 20, 2004]:.
HAVING TWO PENISES IN YOUR ANUS AT ONCE IS A HEALTH RISK? I'LL BE DAMNED...

The recent AIDS scare in the porn industry has been kind of interesting. I mean, it's not often that you see sites like Adult Video News using "Outbreak" terms like first generation groups and exposure dates, outside of describing the set of "Dr. Rimjob 2."

So far, there's been one confirmed HIV+ in the first generation, an 18 year old woman named Lara Roxx who had been working in the business for 3 months, and performed a "double anal" with the original infected guy. She tells Adult Video News, upon finding out that she has HIV, that she can't believe this is happening because she thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world. Now, I understand she's young, but c'mon, porn people are clean people? Has this girl never seen a porn?

Oh, and apparently she got genital warts, too.

| a BEN production by me at 4:17 AM

.:[Wednesday, April 14, 2004]:.
NO, BETHANY'S FATHER DIDN'T MURDER ME AFTER ALL

I've just been busy with school. Bitching will resume as normally scheduled later this week.

| a BEN production by me at 3:23 PM

.:[Thursday, April 01, 2004]:.
OH, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN TO IMPLY THAT. NOBODY COULD BE MEANER THAN HER DAD.

I just noticed that Bethany stated that she is as mean or meaner than her father. But that's not possible. Her father is one of the scariest people I have ever met in my short life, and I've met some mean motherfuckers.

He's sort of like Darren Stevens, dipped in angry. He has this sinister "you-might-wake-up-dead-tomorrow" vibe, and he doesn't try to mellow it out at all. My only contact with him was on Bethany's and my brother's wedding, and he was so unhappy with my toast (as the best man) that I thought I would end up with a sucking gut wound outside of Emeril's at the end of the evening. Thank God a friendly she-pimp decided to take me back to my hotel, or I might have ended up sleeping with the New Orleans gutter-fish.

Probably now that I've made an oblique reference to him on the web, I'll be dead soon. Pray for me, you sorry bastards.

| a BEN production by me at 12:21 AM