A running commentary on things that I don't like.

Also, you know, about why I'm a lot cooler than you.

Seriously. Much cooler. And smarter.

Which is why you should read my site.

That way when I tell you that Napoleon Dynamite was stupid crap, you won't make a fool of yourself by continuing to tell people to watch it.

God, it Sucks
the place to go for all things that suck
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.:[Friday, June 11, 2004]:.
HOW ABOUT GIVING CHARLIE MANSON A PRANK SHOW CALLED "SKELT'R'D?"


"Hey, Nicole and Ron... you been JUICED!"

Now, I'm just a simple man. Well, not "just" a simple man. I'm a short and simple man. I'm an easily frightened and terribly cowardly simple man. I'm a simple man who knows absolutely nothing about self defense, and as a result am a simple man that is easily intimidated. But, to simplify, I am a simple man. I've been wrong about things before.

But isn't giving O.J. Simpson a "Punk'd" style practical joke show (last paragraph) just a plague or locust horde shy of being a sign of the apocalypse? Because I would be simply terrified if O.J. Simpson pulled a prank on me. After wetting myself out of sheer horror I might laugh, weakly, upon being told I'd been "juiced", but probably mostly out of relief that he didn't "juice" me to death or "juice" me upside my head.

What exactly would those pranks be? Telling Steve Tyler that O.J.'s marrying his daughter? Telling Brad Pritt that O.J. used to date Jennifer Aniston? I guess it would be funny to see Brad's life insurance premiums increase by 400%. I tell you what, them spouse-murdering hijinks makes good TV! At least it's not "Who Wants to Marry Nicole Brown's Killer?"... I guess the TV execs felt that would be in bad taste.

Other fun bits from O.J.'s interview with Greta van Susteren:
"In my opinion, 'date rape' and 'stranger rape' are two different things entirely," he said, referring to the charges that Bryant raped a 19-year-old woman in his Colorado hotel room last year. Bryant has denied the charge, insisting the encounter was consensual.

"Like the drink? It's called 'The Acquittal.' The secret ingredient is 'love.' And also rohypnol." I may try that myself.

Referring to Nicole:
"There's times I'm angry at her because there's times when she could be doing things with the kids better than I, emotional stuff, especially with my daughter, and I'm angry with her," he said...

... adding, "Sometimes I get so angry, I wish I could kill her again." Well, not really, but that would have made for good TV.

Maybe I'll pitch a show to Fox where O.J., Scott Peterson, and Walker Railey are a trio of crime-fighting superheroes, like the Justice League, endlessly travelling the earth and getting into wacky adventures while searching for their wives' "real killers."

| a BEN production by me at 12:12 AM

.:[Friday, June 04, 2004]:.
HEY, STUPID! DON'T GO TO JENIN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SHOT!

Instead of studying right now, which is what I should be doing, I'm reading the current issue of "Stuff" magazine. Ever wonder how I stay up on current events, and always seem to be "in the know?" Stuff magazine, baby! I have it on good authority that Mort Kondracke and Charles Krauthammer crib all of their political insights from Stuff, and when you're buying beef jerky and Arizona Ice Tea at 7-11 at 2:00 a.m. there's no better way to impress upon the clerk your astute political sense and suave lady-killing ways than buying a copy of Stuff.

So there's an article with the promising title of "A Bullet Ripped Off My Face." Now, I thought it would be something cool, like the guy shot himself while trying to open a beer with a handgun or give himself a tongue piercing... but it turns out that Brian Avery got his face shot doing something much dumber.

Now, if you're 24 years old, and want to redline mom and dad's credit card by taking a wacky trip out of the country, there are plenty of good places to go. Thailand has hookers and weed and if the stuff I see on Discovery Channel means anything it looks like the second half of "Full Metal Jacket," without all the Marines. Sure, a dog might bite your dick, but that's better than getting your face shot off. You could go to Tijuana and get some sort of freaky nuclear gonorrhea from a $5 hooker, and you know what? That would be better than getting your face shot off. Hell, you could even go to Cuba and come back with deluded notions about how great the Cuban education system and free health care are while the superbly educated and health-cared Cubans build rafts out of... I dunno what they made this out of, but it looks like Fort Worth trailer park refuse... to get somewhere with TVs and electricity and food. Then you would be stupid and deluded, but at least your face wouldn't be shot off.

However, actively traveling to a fucking war zone, running around in the street, and looking for tanks is a pretty damn good way to get your face shot off. And, seeing as how he was in Jenin and not Tel Aviv, he didn't get to see any "Girls Gone Wild" hijinks before getting his facial bones shattered by a deadly projectile. And what is truly perplexing about this is that he heard gunfire, went outside with another activist and looked for the fucking shooting! Why, you ask? Aside from being an utter jackass, apparently he wanted to "be present in case an emergency situation arose." This makes a lot of sense, because every war zone needs to have a trained and knowledgable peace activist to frown thoughtfully or act indignant in the event of an emergency situation. Maybe he wanted to distribute hemp bracelets and Birkenstocks to the wounded. But he didn't even get to participate in an interpretive drum circle with whatever oppressed Palestinians were being shot at. Because he got his face shot off. This in spite of the fact that he was "also wearing a red vest to show he was a peace activist." Well, now he knows that his red peace activist vest should have been made of kevlar and wrapped around his head. Because then he wouldn't have got his stupid face shot off.

I know guys like this. I deliver pizza to them. Note to people like Brian Avery who order pizza from me: stop ordering veggie pizzas on whole wheat crust! The only thing that stinks of hippie worse than veggie pizzas on whole wheat crust is patchoulie, and that's what your money smells like when you thoughtfully give me a $.70 tip. So I'm driving around irritated about my truck stinking like veggie pizza with whole wheat crust, and suddenly smell patchouli, and realize that your Nader-supporting money is funking up my truck as well. Thanks a lot! Also, stop asking me if the pizza is vegan. I don't know. And if you ask me again then the next time you order I'll sneak some sausage under the cheese.

| a BEN production by me at 1:18 AM

.:[Wednesday, June 02, 2004]:.
YES, I AM A JACKASS

So looking at my referrer log tonight, I notice I got a few hits from Google for "Rockin' Tomatoes." Now, that could be a problem.

Seeing as how the only people who would probably be looking for that particular combination of words would be the people who sign my paycheck... Well, I must say, I smell a problem developing. But, utilizing my world-renowned disaster management skills, let me say...

Rockin' Tomatoes is a wonderful name for a restaurant. I was only kidding. Ich bin ein "Rockin' Tomatoe."

Rockin' Tomatoes RULES! TO THE EXTREME!!

| a BEN production by me at 7:46 PM