A running commentary on things that I don't like.

Also, you know, about why I'm a lot cooler than you.

Seriously. Much cooler. And smarter.

Which is why you should read my site.

That way when I tell you that Napoleon Dynamite was stupid crap, you won't make a fool of yourself by continuing to tell people to watch it.

God, it Sucks
the place to go for all things that suck


.:[Monday, September 13, 2004]:.
Criminal Tresspass - Not the most successful child custody litigation technique

One of the reasons that family law attorneys will always have work is that family law litigants frequently take leave of their senses. I used to believe that family law litigants were simply good people on their worst behavior (as opposed to ciminal defendants, who are bad people on their best behavior), but I've since come to the conclusion that, for the most part, at least one but more often both litigants in family law cases possess as their defining characteristic a level of insanity which rivals Michael Jackson in sheer, bewildering oddity. At times, one must frequently remind one's client in family law cases that threats of murder do not constitute valid negotiations towards division of community property. At the very least, a family law attorney usually has to gently remind his client of a few of the rudiments of parenting, like the fact that throwing your 16 year old child a kegger is irresponsible behavior or that getting arrested for DUI with your child in the car is likely to have a negative impact on your custody case.

A few months back I pointed out an example of what may possibly have been a perfectly reasonable man acting in a crazed manner during family law litigation. It is also, I should point out, entirely possible that he was a crazed man acting in his normal, crazed manner, which could explain why he's no longer married... but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
However, working for any length of time in either a social services capacity or in the family law field is likely to leave you supporting a mandatory licensing requirement prior to pregnancy. I used to think that cops should be equipped with Darvon dartguns... now I don't think that goes far enough. Now I've started thinking we should put Darvon in the water supply, like flourine and chlorine.

Anyway, while I was watching Fox New Channel prior to going to class today, I saw this guy who'd climbed up on Buckingham Palace to protest something. Dressed as Batman. They didn't know, at the time, what he was protesting. My personal theory was that he was protesting Adam West's plunge into ignominy as informercial pitchman. Alas, the Buckingham Batman was not doing anything remotely as sensible as protesting Adam West's descent into media whoredom.

He was protesting in favor of father's rights.

Not to say that's not a worthy cause... but, hey, what does that have to do with Batman? His banner said "Super Dads," but Batman wasn't super, he just had a bunch of cool gadgets. And Robin, after all, wasn't Batman's son, he was Batman's "ward..." which as we all know is a word used in the gay community interchangeably with "twink," "catcher," and "bottom." So, as far as I'm concerned, all the protester did was equate in my mind the father's rights movement with sodomy, and I doubt that was the intended consequence.

Now, let us pretend that climbing the walls of Buckingham Palace in a superhero costume was not likely to cause you to lose custody of your child because: 1) it's against the law, 2) it's insane, and 3) demonstrating a tendency to do things which are against the law and insane renders you an unfit parent. Let's examine, then, which superhero you would most like to have as your father.

(three out of five thumbs up) While Superman gets to score with Lois Lane, his costume is really pretty faggoty. So while it would be cool for your father to fly you to school, your friends would probably point out that his costume consists of red underwear on top of a blue leotard, which is pretty stupid, and they would be right. If Superman classed it up a little, say by wearing a light gray pinstripe double-breasted (with the "S" discreetly embroidered on his corner square instead of emblazoned in two foot-tall letters all over the place), or maybe dressed it down a little by wearing a flannel shirt (untucked, of course, and with the "S" on a baseball cap) and some blue jeans, he would get more points.

(one out of five thumbs up) Sure, he's rich and has a butler and all sorts of cool gadgets, but, as pointed out above, there was always that air of homoeroticism to his "guardian" status vis a vis Robin. Having both an XBox and a Playstation 2 would be cool, but not cool enough to justify all of the assrape involved. Plus, remember how much you hated the rich kids you went to school with?

The Hulk
(zero out of five thumbs up) I used to make my father pretty angry when I was a kid.

The Green Lantern
(five out of five thumbs up) The Green Lantern was rich, too, but he didn't have to worry about getting his own hands dirty when it came to stopping crime, because he could just make Kato do all the work. The Green Lantern was also a man's man, so you wouldn't have to worry about getting sodomized or any of the other homoerotic duties that used to get assigned to Robin (like always having to get tied up and rescued). Plus, as the Green Lantern's son, you could probably make Kato do your homework and your laundry.

| a BEN production by me at 12:38 PM

.:[Tuesday, September 07, 2004]:.
Texas: A Visitor's Guide (Or Go Back to Wherever You Came From, You Foreign Fucker)

Texas is an odd and dangerous place. People don't tend to think of that, except in terms of George Bush (and don't criticize my president again or we'll invade your country and rename it Lesser Ohio).

For instance, we had a German stay with us when I was but a wee pup. His name was Klaus, and he lived in the servant's quarters behind our house. Don't get me wrong, because I don't want to disparage the Germans as a people... after all, there are two things that Germans do well: genocide and cars. But the weird thing about Klaus was that he never asked for toilet paper during his entire month-long stay. But he always took lots of napkins from fast-food restaurants, which he apparently ended up using to wipe his ass. Unlike some other places I might mention, Texas has toilet paper. The first thing Klaus asked to see, and the only landmark which seemed to excite him: Southfork Ranch, because his wife watched reruns of "Dallas" on German TV. Well, thank you, Larry Hagman and Patrick Duffy, you steely-eyed ambassadors of American goodwill... If not for your vaunted efforts, perhaps no one would have ever heard of my humble state!

Texas is a dangerous place... way more dangerous than, say, Australia, to pick a location at random.
Australia may have poisonous snakes, spiders, octopi, jellyfish, and, for all I know, poisonous wild dogs that shoot smaller poisonous dogs out of their mouths, but Texas is a much scarier place to be. Trust me.

I went to a Don Williams concert just recently. It was in Houston, at a horse racing track. Now, for the uninitiated, Don Williams is a country music legend. And he was playing at a horse racing track. Whoever said that horse racing is the sport of kings has never been to a horse race in Texas (although, now that I think of it, the inbreeding in royal families... no, not even that could explain it).

Anyway, if any of you have questions about Texas would be welcomed. I'll answer them here. Also, to those people who claim I don't post enough (you know who you are, you dirty bastards) send me an email. I'll denigrate you personally, if that's what you'd like. That's the kind of accomodating person I am. You fuckers.

| a BEN production by me at 8:48 PM