A running commentary on things that I don't like.

Also, you know, about why I'm a lot cooler than you.

Seriously. Much cooler. And smarter.

Which is why you should read my site.

That way when I tell you that Napoleon Dynamite was stupid crap, you won't make a fool of yourself by continuing to tell people to watch it.

God, it Sucks
the place to go for all things that suck


.:[Monday, April 18, 2005]:.
CNN Can Suck My Ass, the Stodgy Fuckers

You know, I watch Fox News quite a bit. Now, I know it's not "cool" to watch Fox News, unless you're watching it to be ironic, or so you can discuss with how "right on" Outfoxed was at your next interpretive drum circle (or feminist dance theory class, I guess, depending on your gender). Rupert Murdoch is the devil, Fox is the mouthpiece of the Republican party, and the only thing they broadcast is agenda-driven crap designed to further the aims of the capitalist class.

But you should watch it sometime. Seriously. E.D. Hill is hot. So is Heather Nauert, Juliet Huddy, Martha McCallum and Laurie Dhue. Basically every chick that works at Fox News is hot. Even Rita Cosby is cute, in a chunky-chick kind of way. Trust me, there's lots of good reasons to watch Fox News. Really.

Fuck you, anyway, I'm not on trial here. I don't have to defend myself to you.

Anyway, it can be disarmingly bizarre, at times, especially "Fox and Friends," the morning show. For instance, a couple of days ago they had their Washington correspondent singing gospel music to promote his new album. Now, whenever I see the guy acting all serious and reporting about Ariel Sharon visiting the White House to discuss dismantling settlements, I'm going to think of him belting out some Jesus song with the goofy morning crew clapping arrythmically in the background. Way to boost your credibility, guys! And what's great about it all is that they do this sort of thing without a hint of self-consciousness.

Last Thursday they had a panel of talking heads to discuss Senate confirmation of judges, specifically if it would be a good idea for Senate Repubs to use the "nuclear option" and trash the Dems ability to filibuster judicial confirmations.

Well, that's great, and that's what a 24 hour news station should do, right? They had three guests, a republican strategist, a democratic strategist, and... Vince Curatola, better known as "Johnny Sack" from The Sopranos. Seriously, Johnny Sack? Sure, he's has had his share of RICO indictments on the show, but what does he know about federal judge appointments? And so I was sitting there waiting for the interviewer to let us all in on the joke ("So, Mr. Curatola, you've had your run-ins with federal judges on the hit series, 'The Sopranos...' what do you think about the Democrats' tactics? Should Bill Frist 'whack' Harry Reid?"), but they never even acknowledged their reasoning for including him on the panel.

This morning they mentioned the lascivious moves that high school cheerleaders execute, and how it has led to a deterioration of the moral fabric... shit, to tell you the truth, I can't tell you what their actual complaint was. It was something about cheerleaders needing to stop being so damn sexy. I kept waiting for them to take it a little further and make catholic school girls stop wearing those uniforms we all find so secretly arousing and start wearing potato sacks. Though, I'd probably still be aroused by girls wearing potato sacks. Maybe we should rip a page from the Taliban's book and keep them locked up in the house until the day finally arrives when we can kill them for dishonoring the family.

That's not the point.

The point is that they mentioned, offhand, the Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders. And I thought to myself, "no, couldn't be." But, guess what? I was wrong.

And so with sick fascination I perused their site. I was hoping for some sort of mission statement, like "The Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders is opposed to lecherous old men leering at our daughters through the fence at the high school. To that end, we are dedicated to the purpose of our daughters only cheering while dressed as the Michelin Man." Alas, there was nothing that spelled out their actual agenda that clearly. I mean, there's this statement from the president, but there's not a whole lot of substance, there, unless you count the creeping feeling I get that maybe Christians were better off when they were seeing the hand of God in plagues of boils or orders to kill Jews or whatever, instead of "He is risen indeed... blah blah blah... some crap about cheerleading competitions... blah blah blah... Let's hold each other accountable to not giving into the worries of the world, rather resting in the Maker's arms." I mean, call me kooky, but you can be religious without prefacing your cheerleading newsletter with resurrection mamba-jahamba and without ending it with something you found on the back of a "Footprints" greeting card.

I was also kind of curious to see some photos of the Christian Cheerleading squad. Would their uniform tops say "Cheerin' for Jesus" on the front? Would the skirts be ankle-length? Alas, the FCC crew craftily defeated my intent to masturbate furiously to ambiguously underage Christian cheerleaders by not including any pictures of them on their site. Oh, well, that's what Morpheus and Kazaa are for, I guess. Looking at their merchandise, they don't sell cheerleading skirts, they sell sweatpants, which are pretty unarousing, I give them credit for that.

And the t-shirts they sell aren't particularly in-your-face with the Jesus vibe. However, they do have a section (with no merchandise in it right now) labelled "Under Armour." I have to admit, that got me thinking.

Anyway, the point is that Fox News gets you thinking.

On an unrelated note, I'll have a post up tomorrow about getting arrested a couple of weeks ago. That should be fun.

| a BEN production by me at 6:41 AM