A running commentary on things that I don't like.

Also, you know, about why I'm a lot cooler than you.

Seriously. Much cooler. And smarter.

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That way when I tell you that Napoleon Dynamite was stupid crap, you won't make a fool of yourself by continuing to tell people to watch it.

God, it Sucks
the place to go for all things that suck


.:[Monday, August 15, 2005]:.
Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson's Boobs

Last night Comedy Central aired their roast of Pamela Anderson. We're all familiar with the concept... a bunch of crabby comedians get together to make fun of someone who's generally more successful than they are. I was going to post my thoughts on the roast last night, but I was playing a drinking game where I chugged a beer everytime someone said "tits" or "sex tape." I blacked out fifteen minutes in.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on the roast, reconstructed from my notes.

1) I'm not entirely sure why they called it "Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson." A more accurate title would have been "Comedy Central Roast of Tommy Lee's Penis," because most of the substance of the show involved how large Tommy Lee's penis is, and, secondarily, how large Pam's vagina must be. "Are they still giving donkey rides to the bottom of Pam's vagina?" "If I had Tommy Lee's dick in front of me, I wouldn't know whether to suck it or feed it a peanut." I mean, it was some funny stuff, but sort of off topic. But, hey, I'll watch if they decide to do a whole show on it: "Comedy Central Roast of Pam and Tommy's Genitals."

2) Greg Giraldo. Who the fuck is this guy? Look, if the abortion that is "The Colin Quinn Show" is on the top of your resume, you need to seek some career counselling. Working on "The Colin Quinn Show" is perhaps the only job from which Amway is a lateral move.
I mean, what's Comedy Central doing, picking up winos, giving them a notecard with "Pam Anderson has a large vagina" on it, and pointing the camera at them? Probably they just walked around looking for people holding signs that said "will say 'tits' or 'cock' for food."

3) Courtney Love. Wow, now that's what you call a trainwreck. Remember when Courtney Love was actually appearing in public sober, looking fairly good, acting relatively normal? Well, I do, but she probably doesn't. Courtney was back to her old tricks at the roast, makeup smeared, acting apeshit insane, and reminding us all why Kurt Cobain killed himself. Actually, though, I dated a girl like this. From my chatlog, during the show:

JF : man WTF happened to Courtney Love, she got all tore up
JF : as Rick James would say, "Cocaine is a hell of a drug"
benmorris87: Looks like she took the train going the other direction.

My understanding is that most of Courtney Love's insanity was edited out of the show (for instance, they edited out her flashing her tits for the millionth time), but enough remained to make a nice PSA for the anti-drug lobby.

4) Hugh Heffner appeared via satellite to stiffly read some crappy jokes that someone wrote for him. When you're still a relatively virile man, the pajamas, pipe and being surrounded by women suggests debauchery that few of us will ever know. When you're an old man, those same things suggest "nursing home."

5) Bea Arthur. Apparently they invited Bea Athur for two reasons: 1) she was willing to work for bread crumbs and pocket lint, and 2) so everyone else could talk about Bea Arthur's vagina when they weren't talking about Tommy or Pamela's genitals. I mean, we have to mix it up, right? Interestingly, Bea's whole bit was reading out of Pamela's novel (seriously, here it is, I couldn't believe it myself), which is so bad that it makes "Stacked" look good in comparison.

6)David Spade made an appearance via satellite. As for his bit, I liked it the first time I saw it, when it was called "The Hollywood Minute." Let's map out David Spade's career path... SNL, Hollywood Minute, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Tommy Sheep, Black Boy, Oh, no, Chris Farley's dead!, Lost and Found, Just Shoot Me, Capital One commercials, and finally a show on Comedy Central (starts September 15!
We promise, it'll be just like Hollywood Minute!) for which he has to repay his future bosses with a satellite feed on a roast of Pamela Anderson, and probably lots of rimjobs.

7) Tommy Lee. Remember why we all hate the 80's? It's all personified in Tommy Lee. He performs a song (which I muted), and then tries to do some comedy (which I should have). It's not only painfully unfunny, it's just uncomfortable to watch. It's like a roast at your local Elk's Lodge, only dirtier, with more tattoos, and far more infected with hepatitis.

8) Sara Silverman. I have nothing bad to say about her. She's beautiful, she's funny, she's got great hair. I used to love her on Saturday Night Live, on Seinfeld, and on Mr. Show with Bob and David.

No wait. I do have something bad to say about her.

She's married to Jimmy fucking Kimmel. Bitch.

9) Lisa Lampanelli. She was pretty funny, and very harsh. She was a like a big fat bag of hate in a silk blouse. She said that Andy Dick could identify the flavor of a popsicle by sitting on it and called him a "pickle kisser." She didn't have much to say about Pam, except to crack on her for fucking Scott Baio.

All in all, pretty funny. But I've heard all I ever want to hear for the rest of my life about Tommy Lee's penis.

| a BEN production by me at 6:09 PM