A running commentary on things that I don't like.

Also, you know, about why I'm a lot cooler than you.

Seriously. Much cooler. And smarter.

Which is why you should read my site.

That way when I tell you that Napoleon Dynamite was stupid crap, you won't make a fool of yourself by continuing to tell people to watch it.

God, it Sucks
the place to go for all things that suck
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.:[Saturday, October 22, 2005]:.
Hey, buddy... You Picked the Wrong Guy to Injure Yourself in Front Of...

So I was fishing last weekend with Charlie, the three legged wonder dog. Charlie is not my dog, he's a dog from Animal Hope pet adoptions, but I can't take my own dog fishing because she misbehaves and spending too much time with her will make you stupid. People who know both me and my dog can confirm this.

Anyway, I was fishing in the Trinity River near a hill on the bike trail. I'd been fishing for maybe five minutes when I heard a bike chain break and a crashing sound. I turn around, and this 65 year old man had crashed his bike. My line was still in the water so I didn't, you know, run right up to him or anything. I just stood there for about thirty seconds looking at him. I kept thinking that even though he was obviously hurt pretty bad, maybe he'd hop back up and ask me if I was having any luck. But, you know, he didn't do that.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, even though it was pretty obvious he wasn't.

"NooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO..." was his answer. That put me in a pretty bad spot, because "are you okay?" was about the extent of the help I wanted to and was qualified to administer.

"What do you want me to do, buddy?" It took me about a minute and a half to come up with that one, but I still think it was some pretty quick thinking on my part. After all, if he couldn't think of something for me to do for him while he was lying there with a broken bike helmet and cracked ribs, I don't see how he could expect me to know, either.

"I don't knooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOwwww..." was his answer, unfortunately. Well, at least we had something in common, because I had no fucking clue what to do, either.

Always quick to decisive action in an emergency, I stood there and kept repeating "Hmmm..." and "Well..." and "Um..." until someone else finally came riding up and told us that he used to be an EMT. I'd probably still be standing there nodding my head seriously if that guy hadn't come along. Either that, or I would have hid the 65 year old hurt guy in some bushes and gone home.

So the former EMT called an ambulance (why didn't I think of that?) and the 65 year old guy's wife, and then me, the three-legged dog, the former EMT, and the hurt guy stood around staring uncomfortably at each other waiting for the ambulance. Well, the hurt guy didn't stand, of course, he kept laying in the middle of the bike path saying he thought his ribs were broken.

"Sir, would this be a bad time to talk to you about Amway?" See, I thought that was pretty good, because saying something stupid and inappropriate is really the only thing I can be relied upon to contribute in a crisis situation.

"Son, please don't make me laugh, I think my ribs are broken," he told me. Probably both he and the former EMT were wishing I would take my three-legged dog and go back to fishing, which is what I wanted to do, too, but even though my bit is being an asshole I didn't think that would be appropriate. If I did that, when I told anyone about the accident I witnessed and they asked what I did I would have to admit that "you know, I kept fishing."

When the paramedics finally showed up, I actually got to contribute something. They asked me if I had witnessed the accident, and I told them I had, even though it happened behind me, but I figured, hell, I could tell them what I figured had happened and what are they going to do, call me a liar?

I guess this is my way of saying to the people of the world, "hey, don't injure yourself when I'm the only person that can help you. Because I won't."

| a BEN production by me at 2:11 PM

.:[Monday, October 17, 2005]:.
Being Litigious

Some of you may recall my posting some of my travails with Plucker, the roommate from hell. Thanks to my brother, who apparently doesn't ever delete any emails, no matter how ridiculous or inane, here is a petition that I drafted shortly after me and Plucker parted ways:

CAUSE NO. ______________


BENJAMIN E. MORRIS § IN THE DISTRICT COURT
§
v. § _____ JUDICIAL DISTRICT
§
ERIC "PLUCKER" WELCH § TRAVIS COUNTY, TEXAS

BENJAMIN E. MORRIS' PETITION FOR RETURN OF PROPERTY
AND OTHER RELIEF

1. Discovery Level

Discovery in this case is intended to be conducted under level 2 of rule 190 of the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure.

2. Parties

This suit is brought by Benjamin E. Morris, Petitioner, who resides in Austin, Texas. Eric "Plucker" Welch, Respondent, resides at "who the fuck knows?", which is probably some random crackhouse somewhere.

I.

Benjamin E. Morris, Petitioner, files this Petition complaining of Eric "Plucker" Welch and in support of same would respectfully show the following:

Respondent is Crazier Than a Shithouse Rat
Petitioner would show that Respondent is crazier than Michael Jackson, but far more likely than Michael Jackson to pummel Petitioner's kidneys with a baseball bat or with Respondent's creepy bald skull. Respondent is approximately as likely as Michael Jackson to attempt to sodomize Petitioner and/or take a shit in Petitioner's mouth while Petitioner is sleeping .

Respondent has Stolen Petitioner's Porn
Petitioner would show that Petitioner is the owner of an undivided interest in certain items of porn. Petitioner would show that Respondent has removed certain items of porn belonging to Petitioner from the residence located at 1907-B Westridge, or has otherwise removed items of porn outside the control of Petitioner.

Such action constitutes intentional infliction of emotional distress, a tortious claim under Texas law, as Petitioner is unable to sleep at night without his copies of "Cum Guzzling Gutter Sluts" and "Viva la Donkey Show!", both of which are believed to be in the possession of Respondent and/or subject to Respondent’s sole custody or control, along with the other titles listed in "Exhibit A," pages 1 through 73.

Respondent Has Robbed Petitioner of His Will to Live
Respondent, through courses of action both mind-bogglingly stupid and outright insane, has tainted Petitioner with the stenches of failure and bong water. Petitioner acknowledges that though bong water may wash away with good detergent, the mark of failure burned into Petitioner’s soul is not so easily cleansed.

Requested Relief
Petitioner requests the Court enter an order requiring that Respondent be repeatedly ass-raped by a gay porn star made of molten lava, or, in the alternative, a gay porn star made of broken glass.
Petitioner requests the immediate return of his porn library in its entirety.

Prayer
Petitioner prays that citation and notice issue as required by law and that the Court grant all relief requested in this petition.
Petitioner prays for the repeated ass-raping of Respondent, as requested above.

Petitioner prays for the return of his porn.

Petitioner prays for all other relief to which he may show himself entitled.

Respectfully submitted,



By: ________________________________
Benjamin E. Morris
Pro Se

| a BEN production by me at 6:40 PM